the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
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Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
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The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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