i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
