she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
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