woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
