i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
