My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
