I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
