I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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