But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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