Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Randomize
