Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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