I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
