On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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