my phone needs a breathalizer
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
