Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
