I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Redeem this text for a blowjob
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
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