I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
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