called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
