I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
