I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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