i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
