i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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