Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I met the friendliest cop last night
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
