My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Randomize
