I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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