He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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