my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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