you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
