i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
