this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
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