I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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