he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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