Do you still have your period?
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
