my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
