Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Randomize
