I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
