I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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