Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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