This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
