i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
accomplished twins. life is a go
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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