he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
