im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize
