the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
