i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
