In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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