You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
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