soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
