Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
