I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
