I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
