sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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