walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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