i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Randomize
