Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
