I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
whose parrot is this?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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