I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
