everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
