Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
